... relapse please?

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 03:14:29 GMT

i just want this so bad. i used to get so impatient with weight loss that i would give up. i don't feel that way anymore. i'm impatient, but i know that if i put in enough fight.. i'll get thin again. sooner the better, though.

i'm happy, darnit :D

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 03:27:25 GMT

i never thought i would say this, but i just LOVE being away from home. it is so much easier to be anorexic. there's no one to hide it from, there's no one watching my back. i can starve myself all i want and nobody's going to know, atleast until they see me next. I can't wait to be bony again!

i feel completely different about starving myself this time around. i feel the power & the control that i had before, when i first became "anorexic". i'm happy about it. there's no self-hatred, only if i didnt exercise enough or ate too much. i'm excited to see what i can make of myself.

please make the weight go away.

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 03:15:15 GMT

i exercised a shitload today. i took my dog to a state park, we hiked about 4 miles. afterwards i ran 3 miles, biked for 1 hr, swam for 30 minutes. i finished off the night with a small piece of salmon & a big heaping pile of mixed veggies. i watched "new york minute". :D i just love that movie, call me silly if you want to. you can really see how much prettier mary kate is, even though they are twins.

my calorie intake was about 710, which sucks. damn that stupid protein bar. without it, i'd been @ 500. i'm not going to stress over it though. tommorow, i'll just eat even less. even it out. tommorow will be a purely-veggie day.

pieceofcake. (figuratively speaking)

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 03:51:07 GMT

well, today has been easy. i ate maybe 210 calories. a banana, couple apple slices, some carrots and a bowl of brocoli. i was even going to allow myself more, but i didnt desire it.. so i'm going to take advantage of that and not eat anymore.

i have been watching alot of thinspo videos on youtube. they are very helpful. they remind me of what i once was and about 25 lbs from now can be again. i want to be able to see my spine like in that picture of me on the left. i want to see my ribs without raising my arms, i want to sleep on my back and i have my hip bones poking out. i miss that feeling.

i'm not going to see anyone that i know from home until about 2 months. hopefully, by then, i'll be back down to my normal. i get a kick out of thinking that when i see people again, they'll see "you got so skinny again!". i just love hearing about how skinny i am, at first. after i while, though, i remember it getting pretty old. i want to see my old boyfriend again, who i admitted to that i'd been anorexic after we'd already broken up & told him i'd gotten better. i want to see him, and him say i don't look like i got better. :) i just can't wait for people to acknowledge all the hard working i am willing to put into this.

i'm going to enjoy the hunger pains. live life, be active, and save a lot of money on groceries. 25 lbs to go! exercise time.

i've sucked a lot lately...

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 01:24:23 GMT

maybe i just took a break from ana for a while? i didn't want to. all this fat isn't welcomed. i have got major work to do. i'm going to target for 500 calories a day + running 3 miles & biking 10 miles? I want to loose 20 lbs by my birthday which is December 8th. Surely it is possible, if i put forth the effort. I've got 2 months... I can do it.

I moved away from home. I am 12 hours away, down in Texas. I got a job on a horse ranch. So, this is my chance. I'm going to rediscover skinny jess. I miss her so much...

i'm getting back to my old self again... !

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 02:01:18 GMT

yep, i'm living binge-free these days. :D it feels awesome. i feel really in control. of course, i have to remind myself about a million times a day to not stop and take a *break* with that bag of sunchips. BUT so far, it's been working. i've had to strength to say 'no'. i hope i can keep this up, i can't wait to weigh myself friday. surely, a couple pounds have come off.

today's food intake: celery & carrots (100), light n' fit yogurt (60), cheerios (100), and fat-free pringles (250). total = 410 calories

todays exercise: ran 3 miles, outdoor biked 10 miles, hiked 10 miles, horseback rode for 3+ hrs

i'm frickin' wiped out.

okey-dokey.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 00:32:53 GMT

So, i'm doing great. how frickin' bipolar am i? :D i'm exercising a ton, and really cutting back on calories. fasting doesn't seem to work well for me, it leads to terrible binges. i'm allowing myself to eat once a day. i have a huge bowl on frozen veggies (50 calories) and a grilled salmon fillet (100 calories). if i eat @ about 5 o'clock everyday and don't allow myself anything at night, i seem to do a lot better. nightime eating gets me into trouble. 150 calories a day can't be bad.

i'm really looking forward to weighing myself on friday and reporting it in one of the communities i joined. i'm not looking at the scale till friday. no matter what.

breathe

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 02:46:46 GMT

so, okay, the last few days SUCKED. i have so many cuts on my arms, its scary. nobody has said a thing to me about them, maybe nobody's noticed? but i feel better now. i'm on self-diet-club.com trying to make plans for the next few days. i'm going to exercise a shit-load & eat once a day. it'll be a meal of salmon/veggies. that's all the healthy food i have left in the kitchen...

on a funny note, a 16-year old boy has a huge crush on me! he even asked me on a date today, which was quite the awkward moment. i'm not sure that he realizes if i was to date him, (1) it would be ILLEGAL and (2) his mom would kill me. it's cute, though. i feel like i need to get better looking for him... somehow, to justify why in the world he likes me.

sometimes, i'm just ready to die...

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 23:01:11 GMT

honestly, i feel ready to just leave it all behind. go sleep, forever. i fucking binged...! lord knows how many goddamn calories are now attaching themselves to my thighs!?! so, afterwards, i got mad at myself and started cutting. i have the word "FAT" written on my arm. how the hell am i supposed to hide that?!

hopefully, i'll be too busy trying to exercise it all so my family won't have a chance to see me or my new scars... i went way overboard this time.

a look back..

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 06:09:27 GMT

i wanna be skinny again so bad!

what a day!

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 05:11:47 GMT

well, i did all the exercise i said i was going to do. i wish i would have ran a little bit more. i barely had enough energy to run those two miles, but i pushed myself as hard as i could.

i'm actually proud of myself today, instead of the usual "i hate myself and i'm going to cut my arms up". so i treated myself to a diet dr. pepper and it is sooooo good right now. with the little bits of apple slices and carrots i ate earlier, i bet i only factored in at about 100 calories. WOW. i feel so frickin' excited and happy about that. [almost manic-crazy excited, so this journal entry may be all over the place, SORRY] i could start munching on something right now, i'm sure a 100 calorie popcorn bag wouldn't kill me- but i don't want to. i can't believe it! i'm starting to like that starving feeling again. :)

here is a poem i pieced together a few months ago, which really describes my emotions right now:

                                    getting drunk off of hunger,
                                    light-headed head spinning around.
                                    dancing, floating heavy as a cloud.

                                    feel a frolick-free feeling,
                                    wanna blow over, blow away with the breeze
                                    or maybe just faint and drift asleep.

                                    'cause when i'm asleep i can't eat.

which i plan on going to sleep really soon, before my mind has a chance to rethink eating. earlier, i reread some of my old livejournal's entries "starvinpretty", that was motivating... i actually had entry that said "I just wanna be 105". ha! now, i wanna be 15 lbs less than that. getting skinny can get addicting. oh! and update on my weight.. the scale read 110 tonight..! that's 5 lbs less than 2 days ago! i hope it isn't any higher in the morning. i'm not going to eat anything until we go to that restaurant, then i'm almost forced to, and that i'll be all i eat tommorow. this veggie fast seems to be working amazingly. :D

busy day..

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 21:25:26 GMT

i had to work in tobacco-farming this morning for my daddy. its rough work, consisting of a lot of walking and picking up tobacco sticks that weigh about 40 lbs over and over again for about 5 hrs. i was completely wiped out, so i broke down. i had some carrots and apple slices. but that's really not that bad?

it's 94 degrees outside, but i'm going to go bike 10 miles now. afterwards, i'm going horseback riding for a while. when i come home, i'm going to take my dogs to the track and i'll run a couple miles. that should be enough exercise for the day. i'm really working my butt off, so this weight better go away fast! i have zero patience :|

tommorow, we are taking my nephew to the T-Rex restaurant. it is going to SUCK. i'm just gonna have a salad - no cheese/croutons and a side of steamed veggies. cheap and healthy. :)

going strong, for now.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 20:38:56 GMT

the fast is going pretty well, 'cept for the fact that i cheated...! somtimes i wake up in the middle of the night, go to the kitchen.. get food and go back to sleep. i remember it all, so it isn't exactly like sleep-eating but it sorta is. i had a frickin' handful of capn' crunch at about 3 am. i haven't ate anything since, and really feel no desire to eat anything. feels pretty good. :D

i treat my body like an exercise machine. i've already hiked 3 miles, horseback rode for 2 hrs, and biked on the road 10 miles. i'm getting ready to go to the state park near me where I will run 4 miles, walk 2 miles. afterwards, i'm going to train another horse for about 2 hrs (its active!) and walk the dogs just before dark.

"taking a rest from food"

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 05:17:19 GMT

That is what the definition of fasting was a website that I was reading. I like that. Giving my body a rest from food, junk, fat crap. I've been looking at a lot of different search engine results for "lose weight fast". Maybe I can lose 10 lbs in 10 days? Hopefully, I'd be frickin' happy.

I really feel I've got the control now again. I took a break from this, ruined my body and now I feel like I can fix it. I've got the patience. I've got the determination. I don't wanna be fat anymore.

I bicyled 20 miles today, ran 4 miles, and walked atleast 4 miles. I feel good about that. Hopefully, the weight will just fall off. I'm trying a liquid fast until I get down to 110. I can do it. :)

the plan.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 19:40:15 GMT

Okay, so here's the plan: I have twenty-five whoppin' pounds to lose? Wow. That's ridiculous. I'm just going to starve myself. Screw dieting. I'm going on a liquid fast for the next two days. Then, I'll go on a veggie diet for a week. I'll slow reintroduce cheerios & 100 calorie popcorn, plus some yogurt and protein bars. But that'll be it. I've got serious weight to lose and zero patience. The faster the better.

Wednesday: liquids.
Thursday: liquids.
Friday: veggies.
Saturday: veggies.
Sunday: liquids.
Monday: veggies.
Tuesday: veggies.

Then, starting next Wednesday.. I'll start my 300-calorie days.

starting all over again.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 19:17:50 GMT

>>> Current weight: 115

short term goal: 108
long term goal: 90

I've done it before, I can do it again. I just have to have patience and strength.