well, today has been easy. i ate maybe 210 calories. a banana, couple apple slices, some carrots and a bowl of brocoli. i was even going to allow myself more, but i didnt desire it.. so i'm going to take advantage of that and not eat anymore. 

i have been watching alot of thinspo videos on youtube. they are very helpful. they remind me of what i once was and about 25 lbs from now can be again. i want to be able to see my spine like in that picture of me on the left. i want to see my ribs without raising my arms, i want to sleep on my back and i have my hip bones poking out. i miss that feeling.

i'm not going to see anyone that i know from home until about 2 months. hopefully, by then, i'll be back down to my normal. i get a kick out of thinking that when i see people again, they'll see "you got so skinny again!". i just love hearing about how skinny i am, at first. after i while, though, i remember it getting pretty old. i want to see my old boyfriend again, who i admitted to that i'd been anorexic after we'd already broken up & told him i'd gotten better. i want to see him, and him say i don't look like i got better. :) i just can't wait for people to acknowledge all the hard working i am willing to put into this. 

i'm going to enjoy the hunger pains. live life, be active, and save a lot of money on groceries. 25 lbs to go! exercise time.

maybe i just took a break from ana for a while? i didn't want to. all this fat isn't welcomed. i have got major work to do. i'm going to target for 500 calories a day + running 3 miles & biking 10 miles? I want to loose 20 lbs by my birthday which is December 8th. Surely it is possible, if i put forth the effort. I've got 2 months... I can do it.

I moved away from home. I am 12 hours away, down in Texas. I got a job on a horse ranch. So, this is my chance. I'm going to rediscover skinny jess. I miss her so much...

well, i did all the exercise i said i was going to do. i wish i would have ran a little bit more. i barely had enough energy to run those two miles, but i pushed myself as hard as i could. 

i'm actually proud of myself today, instead of the usual "i hate myself and i'm going to cut my arms up". so i treated myself to a diet dr. pepper and it is sooooo good right now. with the little bits of apple slices and carrots i ate earlier, i bet i only factored in at about 100 calories. WOW. i feel so frickin' excited and happy about that. [almost manic-crazy excited, so this journal entry may be all over the place, SORRY] i could start munching on something right now, i'm sure a 100 calorie popcorn bag wouldn't kill me- but i don't want to. i can't believe it! i'm starting to like that starving feeling again. :)

here is a poem i pieced together a few months ago, which really describes my emotions right now: 

                                    getting drunk off of hunger,
                                    light-headed head spinning around.
                                    dancing, floating heavy as a cloud.

                                    feel a frolick-free feeling,
                                    wanna blow over, blow away with the breeze
                                    or maybe just faint and drift asleep.

                                    'cause when i'm asleep i can't eat.

which i plan on going to sleep really soon, before my mind has a chance to rethink eating. earlier, i reread some of my old livejournal's entries "starvinpretty", that was motivating... i actually had entry that said "I just wanna be 105". ha! now, i wanna be 15 lbs less than that. getting skinny can get addicting. oh! and update on my weight.. the scale read 110 tonight..! that's 5 lbs less than 2 days ago! i hope it isn't any higher in the morning. i'm not going to eat anything until we go to that restaurant, then i'm almost forced to, and that i'll be all i eat tommorow. this veggie fast seems to be working amazingly. :D

the fast is going pretty well,  'cept for the fact that i cheated...! somtimes i wake up in the middle of the night, go to the kitchen.. get food and go back to sleep. i remember it all, so it isn't exactly like sleep-eating but it sorta is. i had a frickin' handful of capn' crunch at about 3 am. i haven't ate anything since, and really feel no desire to eat anything. feels pretty good. :D

i treat my body like an exercise machine. i've already hiked 3 miles, horseback rode for 2 hrs, and biked on the road 10 miles. i'm getting ready to go to the state park near me where I will run 4 miles, walk 2 miles. afterwards, i'm going to train another horse for about 2 hrs (its active!) and walk the dogs just before dark.

That is what the definition of fasting was a website that I was reading. I like that. Giving my body a rest from food, junk, fat crap. I've been looking at a lot of different search engine results for "lose weight fast". Maybe I can lose 10 lbs in 10 days? Hopefully, I'd be frickin' happy. 

I really feel I've got the control now again. I took a break from this, ruined my body and now I feel like I can fix it. I've got the patience. I've got the determination. I don't wanna be fat anymore.

I bicyled 20 miles today, ran 4 miles, and walked atleast 4 miles. I feel good about that. Hopefully, the weight will just fall off. I'm trying a liquid fast until I get down to 110. I can do it. :)